I looked at Claudia through the mirror that was in front of me and replied, “They didn’t want to help her. In fact, I would bet some of them got upset with her for asking for help.”
“You got it. She said to tell you she doesn’t have any friends anymore.”
Michelle came to me very upset. I could tell by the look in her eyes she was really fuming. “I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!”
“What can’t you believe?”
“All these people who said there were my friend were just using me. They would come to me with their problems, because they knew I would help them. I would take my time, show them what they needed to do and then, help them do it,” she shouted as she walked around the room in circles.
There was this long pause as she tapped her foot over and over again on the floor. “I trusted that these people were my friends. I never thought they were just using me and my intellectual property, but you know what?”
Before I could answer her question, she blurted out in an even a louder voice, “They weren’t and aren’t my friends. I had a situation where I needed them to help me and they were too busy. They weren’t really too busy; they just didn’t want to help me. I have gone out of my way for these people. I have given up my time to help them because they were in a crisis. Now, now when I need them, they are nowhere to be found. You can bet I won’t help them again.”
Lately, I have had several conversations like these with people. Those they thought were their friends were only there to use their heart. It seems that friendship is being redefined today. What once was a word with a depth of meaning has become a shallow word that is based on one person being required to help another because of the friendship.
John is a person I know and consider to be a friend. Not long ago he told me this story. “Richard, I was dating this young lady and I had grown to care about her. She seemed to care about me until I wouldn’t do what she wanted me to do. She came to me and told, not asked, but told me to give her $200. I looked at her and asked her why I should give her $200? She looked me squarely in the eyes and informed me that because of our friendship I should take care of her and that meant giving her money when she needed it.”
Knowing John, the story made me laugh. John is not a person one tells what he HAS to do.
“Okay, what did you do?” I asked already knowing the answer.
He smiled his John smile and said, “I told her our friendship was not that great. I informed her I hadn’t taken her to raise or to be her bank. If that was what she was looking for, she needed to find another person. I couldn’t believe she felt I owed her the money because we were friends.”
How many times has a person had a friendship abused? How many times has one person thought that because of a “friendship” another was supposed to do whatever they wanted them to do. This has become another illustration of how shallow our society has become. Friendship is not about taking advantage of another person; it is about sharing with another life that you feel connected to.
This raises an interesting question: What Does A Real Friend Look Like? Let me see if I can draw a mental picture here.
First, a real friend finds a solid point of connection with a person. A true friend is not one who is there to see what they can take from another person. Their presence is one of support. They are there and don’t disappear when support becomes a two way street.
A real friend is one who refuses to play games with you. They are not going to tell you what you want to hear if it is not the truth. Their spirit connection is based on respect and they will not allow one to mess up their life by telling them what they want to hear.
A real friend will invest the time and energy to listen, not just expect to be listened to. Friendship is a two way street; it is not one giving and the other always taking. It is being there with the right spirit for each other.
A real friend enjoys the energy connection. Friendship is about mental and emotional connection. The connection is about kindred spirits; it is about people feeling good in the presence of another. The energy that is shared creates a sense of fulfillment and a desire to get to know each other more.
A real friend never takes the friendship for granted. True friendship is a unique experience. Most people have very few real friends in their life; they will have many who are an acquaintance, but not a friend. Recognizing the difference is important. Mistaking one who is simply an acquaintance for a friend will create emotional confusion and lead to conflict.
A real friend doesn’t steal from their friend. It is tragic to say, but true. Most people who enter one’s life are not there to add to their life, but to see what they can take from the other person. Without this realization a person is setting self up for some very painful experiences.
What does one do when they realize the person who they thought was their friend, is not really a friend?
Face their behavior with them.
Refuse to continue to let them steal from you.
Insist they be accountable for what they have done.
End sharing one’s emotional presence with them.
Narrow their presence in one’s life.
Don’t let them use another person’s heart for their selfish agenda.
Having a true friend is a unique relationship. Look at those considered to be a friend. Study their behavior and ask, “Who’s My Friend?” |
